Am I enough? Part 1.
- paulypop
- 11 hours ago
- 8 min read
Updated: 4 minutes ago
If not, when will I be?
I have compulsions, I am sure we all do.
Are yours all consuming sometimes?
Today, a Friday, I got in my Jaaag (The Beast, with broken AC) at 0630, drove to Oxford for work, did my job (I was awesome) and drove back.
A long ass day, and pretty much for all of this day I have just wanted to sit in front of this keyboard and type.
It was a total compulsion, a desire, nagging at me, clawing at my skin almost. Ideas and thoughts running through my mind.
I imagine it is how a Vampire feels when they need to feed, the itch, the desire, hunger taking over every other thought and a desperate longing to satisfy that craving.
I would LOVE to be a Vampire, although I love the Sun, so maybe I could be Blade, a Day Walker, all the power, but not a total dick. Wesley Snipes played Blade brilliantly in all three films.
Wesley Snipes is 5ft 9 and weighed 175-180lbs at his fittest, I imagine you see him as a big man. He certainly looks it in Blade. Tom Hardy is also 5ft 9 and he sits around 175lbs, but can bulk to 210lbs, and he looks huge.
Think Warrior and Bane.
His normal arm size is 16 inches according to all online research.
Quick conversion chart; 175lbs is 12.5 stone, 210lb is 15 stone for the English amongst you.
I know, I know, random but it is me.
What can we do?
Well, you could explain to your dear reader your total fucking randomness Getty. Ok, ok. I am reading Let The Right One In and it is superb.
A Swedish novel.
Eli is a child 'vampire' who befriends Oskar, a slightly awkward boy who is bullied in and outside of school and the story charts their relationship alongside other characters that are in their lives.
There are two film versions of the book, an original Swedish adaptation with the same title as the book and then a more recent American version titled Let Me In.
Both do the book and story justice and are worthy of a watch. The Swedish version is more true to the book and as such fucking harrowing.
The American version has Elias Koteas in and this man is a genius and such an underrated actor.
He is also in two of my top ten films (I know my top ten is actually closer to a top 250... sssshhhhh) They are David Cronenberg's Crash (surreal) and the sublime Some Kind of Wonderful. Some Kind of Wonderful clip - I don't see nothin but chicken shit
He is the Skinhead.
If you look at my post history it is all over the place, in 2023 I only wrote two posts against twelve in 2022 and thirteen in 2024.
In my meagre defence 2023 was a strange year. K was back in my life, as she is apt to do and as detailed here;
and then here
As of February 2027 it will be forty years since she and I first got together on the 1987 School Ski Trip. I know I have told you that before.
So why this absolute nagging desire to type?
I have no idea, well, I do, sort of and I am sure I will explain it in a post, one day, but for now we need to spin the Roulette Wheel of subjects I teased in my last post;
and decide which one to dive in on.
You want it to be Money or Relationships don't you?
You so do, I can see you crossing fingers and toes. I nearly typed 'you naughty biscuits' and thought, no don't, that's a bit weak, weird even, I should not write that.
So I did anyway, not actually, but by saying that I was going to do and then decided not to, but still did.
FFS, I need help, ha ha.
Money? I know you so well, one of the most popular posts in my whole blog is,
We are a money mad beast.
I find it an abhorrent necessity and I will explain, when I do that post, why. but not today.
Relationships? The first dating post,
got good hits too.
Paul and the Ladies. That is a deep dive. I know I have dipped a toe or two in previous posts, but this year has some significance in a couple of weeks and in general, so I think I need to do that post nearer that date. No More Bets! Clickety, click, clack, bounce, bounce in and out, bounce again, settle and we have a winner! Yeah. I was trying to recount the sound and joy of a roulette wheel, it was shite wasn't it?
I know I won't do that again, I'll just find a GIF or YouTube video of one next time, sorry.
And The Winner Is. Health.
Did you spot the hook and tease?
I am a good narrator? Have I got your attention?
I am aren't I?
Shush, you'll make me blush.
I had my bloods done in March, all good, T Levels are as expected but in the 'good' range.
My libido still sucks, it has fits and starts, meh. I LOVE red wine
That was not always the case, I was a white wine man, still am in the summer, but one day back in the early 2000's, Nikki and I only had red in, I wanted a vino, tried it and now, 26 years later, I have purple teeth.
Wine is great, but so bloody calorific and all hollow calories too and of course you snack with wine/booze.
For all of my married life I was fucking fat.
I was somewhere around, mostly over, thirteen stone at 5ft 9 (ish) for most of that period.
That would give me a BMI of 28 according to the NHS.
Allegedly I should weigh no more than 168lbs, 76 kg or 11stone 9lbs, that is the maximums as well.
Now, we all know that BMI is a bad way of categorising people as it misses so many factors and is a simple height v weight calculation, which is nonsense, but for shits and giggles let's go with it as a gauge.
(in its defence the NHS website does provide all caveats as to why this is a guide) My current BMI is 32. I am in the Obese category. OK, some, if not most, of you have my socials, so if I say I am clearly, by that guidance, a fatty fatty fat fat you will shout 'liar'. Ha, Fatty Fatty Fat Fat, The Simpsons.
Please do not pull my pants down, I have a tiny...
I have led a physical life, mostly.
Army was obviously physical;
Running, building bridges, assault courses, weighted TABs.
As was my construction career; Lifting timber, steels, running up and down ladders all day equals racing snake physique with the ability to eat anything and everything.
I mountain bike, I hike, I paddleboard, I walk everywhere I can. Then I fell into insurance and for the last 23 years I have sat on my ever growing arse.
There was a period in 2012 when I made a huge life decision and as a result I dropped to just over 10 stone, man I looked ill!
My relationship with running and the gym has also been sporadic. There were times where I would go on a bike ride for 10 miles then immediately after run for 6 miles.
Now I own an E-Bike and hate the very thought of running.
In fact my left knee is aching because it recognised the key strokes of the word 'running' that's how much I despise it.
It is is just so boring!
Plod plod plod, yawn.
I know, on a weekly basis, what I weigh, in stone, KG and lbs. I can recount it at any time with accuracy in any of those measures. I only weigh myself once a week, midweek, in the morning, after a wee and before food or liquids. And only if I have not had alcohol the night before. The scale is placed in the same exact spot each time and the foot placement is key.
I am not governed by the scale though.
Honest.
Despite my clear OCD approach to weighing myself as described above.
What am I really, mentally? Should I get tested?
What labels would they give me? Do not answer that!
In all honesty, and more recently, my weight is not really relevant anymore.
I think that is where most people 'fail' in any fitness journey they undertake, they focus on a number on a cheap sad step machine and when that goes against the perceived (undefined) 'goal' it is demoralising.
So they stop.
They have failed before they really started.
This is not a fitness blog and I am far from qualified to give advice, I am sat here with my third (fourth) glass of vino after all...
I made a decision one cold April day in 2024 that I was going to commit to weight training and to see what I could achieve as an over 50 year old man.
Habits take time to form, but are easy to break.
66 days minimum is the Google response via AI and Chat GPT to form a habit, there are many other theories in the lower listings, I suspect they are all trying to take your hard earned coin from your pocket with their guidance. Ha, Lucy, this is for you:
Consistency is a much better word over habit.
Be consistent. Have a plan. Not a goal.
Accept that, as with any plan, they will slip off the chosen path at times.
Do not berate yourself for missing a session, simply agree to 'make it up'. Get your protein in.
Live on eggs, chicken and rice.
If chickens could shit rice, they would be the perfect animal!
Take one course of oral steroids and realise that they scare the shit out of you and stop.
Just me then?
I did that at the start of my journey and never again. The shakes were horrible!
I am 5ft 9 (mostly) Oi! I am, in Cuban heels.
I weigh (today)
215lbs
97.5KG
15st 4lbs (just under)
I am obese!!!
I have 16 inch arms when flexed but without a post workout pump.
I currently lift, for reps, over three sets:
Overhead shoulder press 30kg (4st 7lb) in each hand
Incline and flat chest press, 35Kg (5st 5lb) in each hand
I hammer curl 24kg (3st 8lb) in each hand.
Etc. Examples. (Yea I am that sad that I make TikToks of my gym sessions...)
Not a boast, a simple consequence of being consistent in a hobby I have chosen, no different to anyone who has chosen a path and practices the same.
I have no idea what my one rep max is for any exercise and I am not interested.
I could test it, but if I get injured at 54, I am six to eight weeks out of the gym and that is basically as good as starting again at this age.
My clothes no longer 'fit'; they are tighter in the right places (not the belly). I get comments about wearing clothes that are too small. They are just my clothes, I have had them for months/years, maybe I shrunk them in the wash?
I am not a big man. I am around 5ft 9 for fucks sake, I will never be big.
I do not look big in the mirror. I hate the mirror, I only see a skinny guy, who should not be skinny, but is.
Now there is a self diagnosis huh?
Yet I have a compulsion.
And it is all consuming.
I am chasing a desire, a hunger, I have to scratch that itch, I have to give the hunger sustenance.
I am chasing the Man in the Mirror... Oh, shall I? Shall I go there?
Oh go on then, I owe you after all x
Did you enjoy it?
That song was on the Bad album, 1987.
The year I fell off a rope swing and broke my shoulder, just after the big storm!
Nearly forty years ago.
What is my goal with the gym?
What I am chasing?
17 Inch arms?
No.
Well, maybe.
Ha Ha.
No, well.
I started this post talking about compulsions.
That itch.
That hunger.
That need to scratch something that tells you it is not finished.
And maybe that is the problem.
Maybe I am always looking for the next thing.
And that leads into Part 2 perfectly...
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