Paul and Dating

Have you been waiting for this one? Strap in. Oosh, dear faithful, the keys are calling, this is my third post this day, wait, isn't that more than I wrote in a previous year? The Malbec Flavoured Bravery Juice is helping.  I am now home and I have Pringles, there might be bacon sarnies in my immediate future. Dating. What a fucking nightmare as per here https://www.my11yearplan.com/post/dating-apps I am sure that 'dating' is a Americanism, a bit like school proms, those of us that are of a certain age never had those. My end of school party was at at a mates house and we all got pissed on cheap cider and had shit sex in the fields next to his house.

Back then we didn't date, we met and we got together. I wasn't single for a whole day between 1996 and 2019, yet there were four serious relationships, back to back, in that time including a marriage and I am ashamed to say many other ladies were also involved. Dating is now a thing and we are all well aware of the dating apps that exist and they are bloody horrendous, although I did meet L (see previous posts for clarity) through one. OK, not all bad. When the last serious and I split in 2019, I buggered off to Spain to see my cousin and as a result I ended up on those dating apps. Five fucking years later I am still on them. What a waste of time. I need a tangent. 20 inch tyres are expensive! My Jaaag has been twitchy in the wet of late and the rear tyres are due replacement, base line £100 a corner, top end £400 a corner, I only paid £6000 for the car. But she is worth it. I am not buying the £400 ones, I'll go somewhere in the middle. I still have three 18" Jaguar wheels in my hallway and a colleague, as a joke, said I should make a coffee table from one. YES! That's happening in 2025. Where did that come from? My wine fuddled brain is a place. Stay away. Dating. Fuck that, people are weird. I have had three dates this year, the first was lovely, it was clear that we would just be mates from the outset and that was cool, I quite like the whole friends with ladies that is a plutonic thing, no pressure, no expectations, just good company.

She met someone.

We did meet on the river in the summer, paddle boarding. I was shirtless, ok ok, I am no Daniel Craig in Casino Royal, but I have worked hard this year and I think it was noted. That's not a bad point to move to. I am 52, I may have mentioned that a few times, and this year I have been a bit of a gym bunny, I have always had an on/off relationship with training, more off than on, yet this year it has taken hold. I have also developed body dysmorphia, I know I am making gains, but I am not seeing them in the mirror. If anything I see the opposite. Should I be worried, no, I go to the gym for me, nobody else. Me and ladies. Lets do it. From a very young age I was always sexually aware, I have no idea where it came from it was just that way, I discovered Little Paul and the joy he could bring when I was still in the single figurers of age, and that has followed me through my whole life, until recently. I have almost gone in the other direction and borderline find it repulsive, seriously, I have lost my mojo. I am not proud of my past, equally I am ok with it too, Sam and his mates labelled me as such, 'Paul is a shagger' and true to form I was. It was easy and I exploited it.

I am sorry to those I hurt. Now, I see myself for what I was and I am not sure I like that person, I don't like how easy it was.

I don't like how I exploited it.

To a degree, and you can call this arrogance if you like, up to you, I see it as fact, it is still easy, I just ignore it now. I know the signs, I know where the potential is but I walk away. I don't want it. I can't be that guy anymore. I won't be that guy anymore. I met the one in 2021, the one to end them all, I lost her, I have dealt with that in this blog. My bad, my loss.

I met The Canadian. She is stunning, a true lady. But again no.

Before all that I met L and she is amazing, a true constant, but we said on our latest day together that we can't bear to lose each other and a relationship would risk that.

She is the one I have to consider explaining to the 'next', it won't be well received, but she is somebody I need. She did try and help me get my mojo back a couple of weekends ago, it was far from a bad start. Thank You xx. The long term constant is also still an issue, not one that will ever work granted. Ladies to Paul is like catnip to a cat, I have said that before, that's the way it has always been, I was always looking for the next hit, never content with what I had, and that's daft, because it was always perfect. My body count is obscene to many, but you know what, who cares, whose business is it aside from mine? Why should anyone decide what is right or wrong, why do we make sex, the basic act of procreation such a taboo subject, it is as natural as breathing, it is as essential as eating. It is lovely, it is superb, it is amazing, yet we make it out as something dirty. The porn industry doesn't help at all in that cause. I am no longer dating, I am still on Hinge, no idea why, FOMO maybe and I have a like that I keep looking at and can't make my mind up about, there is the answer I guess. Tangent. FOMO, when did I let that into my life? New acronyms. FFS. There's another one! I need someone to sweep me off my feet, to shock me, to make me stop and go, that is me for life.

The last serious was very close, she made me see life again. Are you out there...