Regrets, I've had a few.

So sang Frank Sinatra on My Way.

Don't panic I am not planning to shuffle off this mortal coil, (well not just yet), as the opening of that song suggests, so put the party hats and bunting away, place the champagne back on ice, I am not going anywhere, you have to put up with me a little while longer. You love me really, ha ha.

With the rapid slipping grasp this World has on grammar I guess the title of this post should now be written as 'Regrets, I of had a few' so that it is understood.

Scary how fast that little snippet has woven it's way into our lives and writing amongst others (see the variants of 'there' and 'your' as examples) and the apps never correct it, or even suggest that the writer may indeed be a total muppet for their choice of word. Thereby adding to the misery, (and arguably downfall in literacy), of those of us that know the correct way yet have to read it on a daily basis. Yes, I am fully aware how and why it is the case, but for those in the cheap seats (I am so cruel to you, sorry), let me explain. The contractions of 'should/would/could have' are should've, would've and could've and when we (lazily) speak those words they sound and become could of etc.

The 'v' sound at the end slips into of, yet, they don't ever say or write 'I of' or 'We of' instead of 'I have' or 'We have' they know that it is 'I've and 'We've'.

Baffling. Doesn't mean I am going to accept or like it when I see it written, basic spelling and grammar are very attractive to me. Being stupid is like being dead, those who are either, stupid or dead, simply don't know and it is only painful for the rest of us. "Oh. Gracious Me. Was I raving? Please forgive me, I'm mad". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SnuM7cRwww May was such a mad month for your author, not just because of the two Bank Holidays, some annual leave and the extreme weather the UK saw, which appears to be the norm now, four seasons in one day on occasion and temperatures in the early 30's, but due to having 'things on'.

I took the first week of May off and I indulged.

My diet went out of the window, not a meal prep in sight, the gym sent out a search party and the local Tesco had to restock their wine shelves daily to keep up with my demand on their resources. I wish that was said with humour and some semblance of falsehood, but it isn't.

I am a lush, there I said it out loud. https://www.tiktok.com/@sunshine.n.smoothies/video/7596495700058230047?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7403259860555712032

Is that a regret I am talking about?

Nope.

It was a month of planned events and indulgence and aside from the slight change in my waistline (up) and bank balance (down) I regret not a single day.

I took the paddleboard out on the Severn a couple of times and that was sublime as ever. I lazed on the sofa, I read a lot, completing a book in one day, I started it in the morning with coffee and classical music in the background (I am so cultured, side eye emoji) and finished it in the pub in the evening. I climbed on the flat roof of my penthouse (I have done well for myself, don't be jealous) and sunbathed in my short shorts. I ate takeaways (I should have a large stake in KFC shares as a result), rarely cooked and drank too much (read as 'all of the') wine.

Mid May saw me and a couple of work colleagues riding in the Peak District on the Eebs. Great weekend such stunning scenery, good natural trails and a place I need to visit much more! May ended with me being privileged to see one of my oldest and dearest friends get married in a very intimate wedding, such a lovely day and evening.

D, I am so happy for you and G! Meeting '8 by 7' (an in joke) was a surprise I was not quite ready for though. 'shocked face emoji'

June is much quieter (save a midweek gig on the 24th) and I am taking the month away from the booze and smashing the training and nutrition already. I know the answer to this question my dear faithful, (although you are dwindling in numbers, my fault entirely, I do not write often enough, or with quality, I know, I know), but do you catch yourself looking back at past life events and feeling a tinge (massive amount) of regret? Of course you do, we all do, it is human nature, yet it is evidently unhealthy for our mental states, we cannot change our past, we can only learn from it and, hopefully, use it to make ourselves a better person. Do not look back, you are not going that way. Oooosh if only it was as easy to act on that saying as it is to type it out.

I have many many 'regrets' or as I like to look at them, reflections on past errors in judgment and decisions. I do kid myself huh? I am not about to list them all, this is a blog post, not a Stephen King novel after all.

That said, I am going to detail one area of my life that I do have reflections on. My relationships.

Oh! Now you have sat up and are paying attention huh? You do love the trials and tribulations of Paulypop's love life huh?

I can see by the numbers on my blog posts. Cheeky faithful's.

Sorry I forgot.

Oh!

Now you of sat up. and are paying attention huh?

I am so funny, honestly I do make myself laugh.

I have to consider this next bit of wording with care, I am trying to say how many of my exes could be deemed as 'serious relationships' in my life without (clearly) naming names and equally running the risk of offending any that may feel they should be in the category.

Look at me, making out like I am some sort of modern day Lothario. As if! 'side eye emoji' Those that know me, sssshhhhh!

Fingers on lips.

I would say that figure is four, as those are the ones that went past three years in length and as such are much more than dating, or that new moniker a situationship.

I think I hate that word more than could of, almost.

The first of the four started in 1996 and the last ended in 2019.

There were no breaks in between, well not significant, a few days maybe as one ended and the new one bedded in (apt choice of phrasing there Paul, ffs, ha ha). That is 23 years, without a break, spread across four relationships. Four.

I should probably feel some shame about that. Probably.

One (the second) resulted in marriage and one (the third) ended my marriage, granted, by my own hand.

The first one was a convenience, but fun and the last one had some real potential. There should be a honourable mention to C, who I spent a short but amazing time with in the summer of 2021. She should still be in my life now, I am to blame that she is not and that is probably a true regret. She has moved on and seems blissfully happy, (yes I can cyber stalk just as well as any of you, and you lie if you say you don't), and for that I am happy.

I do wish the reason she was/is happy was because of me, even five years after it ended, but that is not the case. No, I am not maudlin about it, I am grateful of the time we had. Relationships two and three are forever intertwined. I was far from the perfect husband, I drank too much (maybe I still do, who knows), I had a wandering eye and sometimes the foulest temper (the acorn did not fall too far from the tree in that regard). But I loved N with all my heart which may sound like a contradiction, when you consider I left her for my ex in a heartbeat and I suppose it is. I loved her, I really did, but I will say, on reflection, that I did not respect my marriage and in turn that suggests I did not respect her and maybe that is true. Now that is a regret, a massive one. I hate the way we ended and what I put her through. I lost so much with that one decision, my home, my pets, many friends and family and most importantly the one lady that has, without a shadow of doubt, loved me like no other ever has, before or since.

This year would have been our silver wedding anniversary. OK I cannot say with any certainty that we would have made it had I not decided that the ex, who turned my head, was where I wanted (at the time) my life to go, but I would like go back and see.

https://www.my11yearplan.com/post/don-t-look-back-in-anger is my attempt at an apology to her.

Bloc Party sing this in 'Waiting for the 7.18'.

If I could do it again, I'd make more mistakes

I'd not be so scared of falling

If I could do it again, I'd climb more trees

I'd pick and I'd eat more wild blackberries

and every time I hear that song I associate those words with 'regret' and with asking for another chance. I know I do not get that second chance and I am resigned to that fact with good grace. It really is a sublime song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHWrX7X8v9Q I am listening as I proof read.

The third, K, should really be a regret. She is the reason I decided to leave my wife, my decision and a choice that was in no way impressed on me by her, I want to make that clear, if anything she was against it and I know, scared by the idea.

I say she is the third of four, but we were together three or four times before 1996, but never longer than 18 months and that was only on one occasion (mid 1993-start of 1995), the majority of which I was away with the military, so as much as those times count in our history, I am not counting them in this context.

I write about us here; https://www.my11yearplan.com/post/here-we-go-again

and here;

https://www.my11yearplan.com/post/bleed-it-out

Next year it will be forty years since we first got together and despite everything, we did spend time together again in 2023, six months or so and are even in contact now, albeit sporadic. She has said that she does not want to see me face to face (I asked if she wanted to meet when I was down spreading my aunts ashes, she said no) just yet, maybe ever, who knows?

Forty years in someone's life, in a romantic capacity is hard to ignore and it should not be. I do not regret us, very far from it, I have learned a lot as a result of our times together and maybe, if it was the end of 2011 again I would make a different choice. Not because I regret my time with K, but we should have drawn the line before then, although there does appear to be a piece of elastic that constantly attaches us and on occasion tightens enough to bring us back together again.

Oooosh I am writing this on a Sunday evening, allegedly one of the most depressing periods of anyone's week (not mine, it is just a day) and this post is bloody depressing isn't it? Sorry. Don't reach for the bottle of wine or razor blades just yet, please.

I now have a life that, had I made a different choice in 2011 I would not have. I would not live here in Shrewsbury, I probably would not be working where I am, I would not have Lucy in my life or the Pinkies https://www.my11yearplan.com/post/the-pink-crocs and that would be regretful, massively. Yes, I know, had I made a different choice in 2011 I would not be able to regret people and places I never would have met or been to, but you get my meaning. Always picking holes in me you lot, buggers the lot of you. Do I have actual regrets?

Yes, I suppose I do. Have I learned from those regrets, well, I have not been able to settle down since 2019, so that is a question I do not really know the answer to, maybe the fact I am single is my learning. Maybe it is a penance. Maybe I am just too fussy. Oi! I am. Shut up!

Maybe I would just like a Time Machine...