Don't look back In Anger.

You said we would live forever. We didn't. It was my fault. A caveat. Indulge me, dear reader, this post is for her and I know that I shouldn't really publish it, but what is the point of writing anything unless it is read. This is isn't a 'does a tree that falls in the woods make a sound if there is no one to hear it' type philosophy, like 'if something is written but not read does it really exist' or some other bollocks. I write to be read. This is not me being melancholy, it is an apology and a long overdue one. I saw a t-shirt in town recently and it was a retro print of Oasis, the logo was Live Forever.

I took a picture and sent it to you.

I know I shouldn't have, but it is that song. It was around 2000, or so, I am not doing the research, I am going with my brain as it is and as I type. Come on ever faithful, you are used to me and my style by now. We were at Wembley, seeing Oasis for our first time together, you adored them, you still do. At one point I went to the bar, came back with our beers and I will never forget your face, it was pure distress, a certain song had started before I got back and you looked at me as if you'd never see me again. You told me off for missing the first few seconds of the song. Live Forever.

You and I are gonna live forever. You sang that song to me and you meant every word.

I can see your face, your eyes, the happy tears running down your cheeks, I can hear every word from your lips, you meant every word. I let you down. When we met, it was electric, people could feel it in the air, I know we both felt it and knew that there was something chemical between us. Yet it took us two years to actually get together, we were both in other relationships and clearly it wasn't the right time, the flirting between us though was amazing. Everyone knew that we liked each other and kept nagging me to ask you out, which I always failed to do. Then a bunch of friends and colleagues conspired to get us together, they arranged a drinks night, waited until you and I had fresh drinks, so were committed to staying a bit longer, downed their drinks and left us alone. The bastards, those lovely bastards. Not long after that first 'date' you asked me to go on holiday with you, which was a bit awkward as you had booked it with your current boyfriend, you spun him a line about needing some time with a friend, and then he turned up at the airport and caught us... That was 1999, in the early summer, the start of us and it was the most amazing time. By the end of that year we were living together and engaged. They say you only truly miss what you lose, or in my case threw away. Such true words. You made me want to better myself, from day one. I mean that. I have the job that I have today because of you. Had we not met I would still be knocking nails into wood, and whilst that is a very admirable trade and skill and one I am proud to own, I was shite at it in all fairness and surveying suits me. The old adage rings true; 'Those that can, do, those that can't, tell others how to'. We married in the summer of 2001 and made an amazing life for ourselves, great friends, great holidays, we bought the house of our dreams that we renovated and made a home. Gizzy, aka The Pupster, Gizwidge and sometimes 'oi get off the fucking table', The Boys, Snoopy, and not forgetting Poppy or our first cat Scratchy, made our lives richer. It wasn't all plain sailing of course, what marriage is, you were married to work and I was married to the bottle on occasion, more often than not, but we were happy. I was happy and with the power of hindsight, a fool. Never look back, that is not the way you are going, wise words and ones I wish I had heeded in 2011. I left us in 2012. As much as I can see your face during Live Forever, unfortunately I can also see the one on the day I told you I was leaving. That day I told you, in our kitchen that 'she' had come back in my life and I had had my head turned. I was so sure that she was what I wanted, she had always been a problem for me, not when we were together, I promise you that, well not until the end of course, but before that, before us. I worshipped her, like a bloody fool, like the puppy that still loves the brute that mistreats it. She clicked her fingers and I came running, every time, regardless of who I hurt in the process. I am shaking my head, reading those words, at my stupidity. The incredulity I feel is palpable. If it is any consolation, it was a torrid and horrible three years with her, I guess that is my penance and deserved. Social media was new to us then, now it is everywhere and this song is viral: Silver Springs, Fleetwood Mac. I have even bought the T-Shirt. So I'll begin not to love you

Turn around, see me running

I'll say I loved you years ago

Tell myself you never loved me, no

And did you say that she's pretty

And did you say that she loved you?

Baby, I don't want to know

Oh no

And can you tell me was it worth it?

Really, I don't want to know

Time cast a spell on you, but you won't forget me

I know I could have loved you

But you would not let me

I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you

You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you

Was I such a fool? Wow, those words really ring true, it is such a powerful song, watching Stevie sing it in the live 1997 version is stunning and heart wrenching the way she looks at Lindsey, a man who let his lady down. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDwi-8n054s You were never a fool and I will never get away from the sound. Oasis start their reunion tour tonight (4th July) and I know you were unable to get tickets, I didn't try, to me they live back then, when we were together.

I have no interest in seeing them as I feel it will only bring back memories, fantastic memories no doubt, but also with a tinge of sadness that I will never see you sing that song to me again. They belong to us, but back then. It is also the perfect day to finish and post this. You have settled down, are married and that is amazing. I have not settled, I have tried, but nothing sticks, no idea why, more on me than anyone else I guess and right now I am happy being single, it suits me. I have been in a bit of a 'funk' these last few months, no idea why, I have a great job and career, superb friends, great hobbies, gigs, theatre, and I live in the best town in the best county in this country, but I have been down and you have been on my mind a lot, possibly due to me needing to finish this post, which makes it sound that this is more for me than it is you and maybe that is true in some way. Posting it will certainly not absolve me of the guilt and I am not asking for forgiveness. Last weekend was a reunion of 5 Sqn and I sent you a photo of all the lads together, no idea why, I was simply compelled to, same as when I completed the London to Paris bike ride in 2013, you were the first person I messaged, similarly when I got the big promotion that same year. Not her. I am no longer in contact with any of our friends from back then, including Mr F, I have left it all behind, some would argue I ran away from it, something I am good at doing, as I did us. Maybe it was a simply natural process and of course the majority sided with you as I was 'The Bastard', as coined by Rocket Ron, and a title I deserved. I have been back to Hampshire a few times over the last couple of years (Den is in a home now) and once in 2023 I actually saw you in Sainsburys, but there was no way I was going to say hello, I was too scared. Clearing my old family home I found some of our wedding photos, you were (are) so beautiful and it was a superb day, I looked through them with a huge smile on my face and tears running down my cheeks. I did have this silly idea of asking to meet for a coffee at some point, although I see no good coming of that for many reasons, mainly as you never drank coffee, so that is well and truly parked.

I hope you do not hate me, even if I deserve it and I do, I put through a horrible period in your life and I will never forgive myself for being so selfish. I am a very different person now. You still make me want to be a better person. I wish you all the success and happiness that I could not give you and I remain as proud of you now as I always did. Maybe I will never be

All the things that I wanna be

Now is not the time to cry

Now's the time to find out why

Love P...