OK. Who am I?

Am I enough? The Finale.

Moreover, who am I now? I am bastard tired as of typing, that's who I am right now. Monday 24th August.

Delayed red-eye back from America, landing Sunday morning into a three hour drive home and ending the day seeing Altered Images (superb), Blancmange (interesting) and The Human League (sublime) live at Trentham with Lucy. Philip Oakley is seventy and he entertained us, energetically, for ninety minutes, they were simply perfect.

I am Sleepy Tom. Tom and Jerry - Sleepy Tom Well Jet Lag this time has been a bitch!

I think, because the trip was only a week long, I was just about adjusted across the pond and then had to come back to readjust. Thankfully I have had this week off to veg on the sofa, except today (Thursday) which was quite the road and emotion trip, more on that later. Oooo a tease! Nearly the end of August, nights have pulled in, weather has turned to rain and storms, yet it is still bloody hot and humid. The Grim Reaper has been swinging his scythe, bastard got it wrong, he took the wrong one from Home Alone who also happens to be the wrong eighty year old whose name also starts with a D.

2026 is starting to feel like 2016 with losses.

That year took so many and ended with George Michael passing on Christmas Day. Stop now! As the ever (dwindling by the read numbers) faithful will know I have had a bit of a deep dive into Paulypop and where he is at the ripe old age of nearly 54.

Fifty Fucking Four. How did that happen. We set the scene here: https://www.my11yearplan.com/post/i-have-a-plan-1 and then carried on with:

https://www.my11yearplan.com/post/am-i-enough-part-1

https://www.my11yearplan.com/post/maybe-i-am-always-looking-for-the-next-thing

https://www.my11yearplan.com/post/have-i-wasted-time-or-have-i-actually-lived

and finally:

https://www.my11yearplan.com/post/money-is-abhorrent Sam told me off last week, saying I was only posting negative and depressing posts, and, he is right, in part, although they were not meant to be depressing or to give the impression that I am done with this world, I am not, just yet.

The intention was an introspective about me, Paul, at (nearly) 54 (one week to go as of typing in case you wish to say Happy Birthday) and I think I got it about right. I am so very different from the me ten, fifteen, twenty etc. years ago. Yes, I know we all change, that's normal and natural, but I think my shift in the last five years (or so) has been significant and measurable and certainly, by me if no one else, noticeable. In 'I Have a Plan...' I detailed that actually I didn't and that in reality the blog, initially being one based on my being 60 soon and not being ready, rapidly developed into more than just a pension plan.

In 'Am I enough? Part 1 (An edit)' I talked about how weight training had become a large part of my life, and it has. I am not obsessive, although if I have a day off or eat shit I do start to feel guilt, more often than not. There is a great saying about weight training: 'Teach someone to lift and they will lift for a day. Give someone body dysmorphia and they will lift for a lifetime'. I am not big, far from it, but I also do not see what I have changed either and as such I am always chasing. Not the lift (OK sometimes the lift), not even really the size, but being happy with the mirror.

I had to give my body measurements this week and I get the comment 'well the bench is clearly working'. In 'Maybe I am Always Looking for the Next Thing' I deal with my roving eye and being easily distracted and never settling for the thing I had right in front of me.

In 'Have I wasted time, or have I actually lived?' I simply asked myself that question and then boasted about how I have actually lived and continue to do so, I edited it recently to add in a few more that I had forgotten.

There is a prize if you can find the changes, honest! Email me at asfuckingif@do1.com and I will send it out to the winner.

In 'Money is Abhorrent' I dealt with my relationship with money and I was brutally honest.

Before I summarise, I should get back to today and give you my tease reveal.

I remembered! I am better than James O'Brien on LBC who gives teases and then often forgets the reveal until near the end of his show, ha ha. Listen to his Full Disclosure Podcasts, they are bloody brilliant. https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/full-disclosure-with-james-obrien/id1454408831 You can get them on other platforms too. I went to Hampshire (and back) today and for a specific reason.

I went to see my dad. Pick your jaw up off the floor, I know, I know.

There was a slight ulterior motive regarding documentation, which arguably could have been solved with a phone call over a four hundred mile eight hour (fuck you A34, M40, M42 and M6) round trip, but I felt compelled. And I am glad I did.

He didn't have the document, but we had a good chat for a couple of hours and he gave me my fiftieth birthday present. You do the math.

Who am I?

Now.

I know I am a much better person than I was at any other stage of my life, even as recent as four to five years ago.

I have memories of my behaviour that shock the 'now me' and make me wince.

I am more tolerant (although less as well, I know, that makes no sense and might be a more humorous post).

I am calmer. I am fitter.

I am less sexually inclined. I am happy being single.

I am more professional. I am more travelled. I am a better friend. I would be a better partner/companion.

I am more aware (which is something, as I have always been very aware).

Who am I now? I am not sure yet, not 100%.

Because I am not finished...