The Black Dog and Still Being Single.

Don't worry, I am fine, honest.

Eh up strangers. Well, my last post went under the radar huh? Thirteen views to date and it is over a month old. To be fair, (I love this phrase, it is such a colloquialism of my adopted county and I am embracing it), it wasn't for 'you lot' really.

She read it. (scared face emoji). She did say she would respond, but I panicked and said I wasn't expecting one and that ended that.

The truth? I ran away from her take on it, as I ran away from her. Oh. The realisation hits in regards my post read numbers. You have fallen out of love with me. I don't post anywhere near enough, this is only the fifth post this year. My posts are too maudlin and boring, no more talk of the Plan, just some retrospective of the nearly 53 years of your author's life and new coffee machines.

BORING! Did I use the apostrophe right in 'author's'? I get so confused by "'" (and I hope that confuses you) and I am a right grammar twat, some swatting up needed. Eats Shoots and Leaves. https://www.lynnetruss.com/eats-shoots-leaves

But!

You can only correct me if you have never written 'could of, should of, would of' or used your instead of you're and only use the word 'there' for all its homophones. And I will check! I know who you are and so do you, you lazy illiterate buggers. (shush, I love you really xxx) Another heatwave! What a superb summer it has been so far. How's things? How was your day? How

Was Your Day

Four innocuous words that show an interest in the person you are engaging with, well unless that person is Jack Whitehall's father of course. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnOuA4LpsHM

And they are usually used in that awkward first message on dating apps, the ice breaker that, from a female perspective, so I am lead to understand, is given to kill the chat in a matter of seconds. Well, recently I used it against itself and tried to make a joke out of not asking that very question to the lady who had matched with me. Her profile even said 'I hope you have a sense of humour' so there's me thinking I am going to slay her with this.

I did it, I went there. I joked about that phrase being used as an opening line. I was even witty, honest, I was! Yep, you're way ahead of me. She read it and unmatched.

Ha Ha Fucking dating apps. Well, I have just scared myself. I wrote the below nearly four years ago... https://www.my11yearplan.com/post/dating-apps And here I am still single. Clearly I am one to learn from life.

Yes, I am being ironic. I have had the best fucking year, honestly, it has been superb and there are still over five months of it left and another holiday. Back to the USA! I have the best people around me, some have surprised me this year, but genuinely to you all, thank you, you make my life richer more than you will ever know and I owe you a debt of thanks. It has been, so far, a year of holidays, new friends, old friends, gigs, sunshine, reunions, time spent with the best mates I have ever known (Bunch of Kunts aka Pink Crocs) and time with Sam, which as you all know is the best time for me, always. My liver hates me, my bank balance is crying out 'why, just why' and the gym is asking if they are somebody that I used to know and is wondering why I sent somebody to collect my records... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY See, I can still do humour! Ish. The Black Dog. A sub heading, no less, but it needs to be dealt with.

I was approached in February by an international firm regarding a position they had and one that they considered I would be ideal for. I was 'head hunted'. Not for the first time, but certainly the first time by such a big concern and at a level, within the industry I have made my carer in for the last 21 years or so, that is revered and not one that is easily achieved. Major and Complex Loss. To say I was humbled by the approach is an understatement and then the offer of a role knocked me sideways, which may surprise some of you, but I suffer with Imposter Syndrome often, despite having done my ten thousand hours numerous times over.

I grabbed it with gusto.

I started with them in May. Three months plus in and it is the best decision of my career I think I have ever made. Amazing team. The company appears to be beyond expectations so far, honestly they are excelling themselves.

So, why did The Black Dog visit me throughout May and sneak into all of June? Well aside from one broadside, all was bloody good, so I am not sure, but it did.

And the bugger bit.

I went down, not on the face of it, I hope I kept that hidden. But I exploited the times when I was not required to drive the next day and the gym became an excuse over a desire. If I have any defence, and its weak, I had six weekends in a row where I was at events that lead to beers, many, many beers and I embraced it, what I also did was let that overflow from the weekends. Not good. Not for your author, I have terrible self control. I went deep. I had a chat with a fabulous bugger at the reunion about The Black Dog and, shock, horror, I am not alone, of course I am not.

It was enlightening. Why do I who, arguably, has a lot to be happy about in life allow The Black Dog in? No I am not listing the reasons why I should be happy. My arrogance is long gone, it has, shush you, stop looking at me that way. Bastards. Love you x Well, I don't get to chose when or why it visits, I only get to chose how I deal with it. This time I wallowed, I really did, yet I knew that the 5 Sqn reunion at the end of June would be my flip, I used that event as a target and if we are being honest an excuse. And it was the flip I knew it would be, you amazing buggers, what a fucking weekend. Sublime. Smiling at the memories. That weekend also lead to a meeting of a lady! Yep, a natural meeting, not a dating app, a true 'eyes across the bar' moment. https://www.my11yearplan.com/post/golly-thunderbolt-city Ok, not quite that, but certainly more than just a passing glance at each other.

I know the signals, I know when a lady is interested. I have experience of it and I have exploited it in my past. Sorry and not sorry.

I bottled it, I let all the signals pass me by, I also ignored my mates chat about speaking to her, in fairness it was a loud bar, I am sure my hearing is failing and he is Scottish so I was never going to understand a word he fucking said. Love you Bill x I did go and speak to her, eventually, beer bravado, but too late, she did not appreciate my 'reluctance' and I did not pursue it. I am, after all, a gent. Never make a lady feel uncomfortable. (again, shush, please, for me xx). I blew it. Plain and simple.

Yet, the old Paul would have been all over the situation, all over the lady from the outset. He would have 'sealed the deal' let us be honest, and yes I am looking at myself and I am not liking the reflection. I would have been forward and I would have got her number. But I didn't. Because, I am not 'him' anymore and as such I panicked and actually convinced myself that I didn't deserve her. Her time. Her attention. Her potential liking of me

That's the kicker. I had it in my mind that I did not deserve to 'be liked' or 'be desired', I did not deserve to be in her presence even. I was at the flip point, I was only coming out of the wallow, I wasn't ready, I wasn't confident. Being honest I have not been ready for years, not since, well, Claire back in 2021. I am actually wondering if I have been ready since I left Nikki and I have had two long term relationships since then. Ha, that's a deeper dive and not for this post, but I have some theories.

Back to the chance meeting, lets not give up, there was something there, I could sense it, on both sides. I put a Facebook plea on a page she may be a part of, in her town. It's not my town. I had her first name, a description and the date and locations we met and chatted at.

Not a lot to go on... I made it clear that it was on her terms, said to anyone who may know her to tell her about me, but don't tell me about her, it has to be her decision, her choice, I am not putting myself on her. OK, not quite Love Actually granted. You know the 'Say its carol singers' bit where the guy is in love with his best mates lady, and shows up at their door with the boards and all that, because it's not that, clearly, mainly as I only have her first name and no idea where she lives. I am also not a creep, ha ha. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QyN9E08vFSY

But, yep, I threw myself to the lions with that post! It went nuts! In a good way. Not viral, but it was amazing. Humbling even. I can honestly say that aside from one 'laughing emoji' on my post, and mate I looked at your profile, ha ha, bless you, I'll spare your blushes. It was 100% supportive, comments such as "this is the most romantic thing I have ever seen" "I am invested, hope you find her, keep us posted", over and over again. I'm from Wigan | Facebook

Quelle surprise. I didn't find her.

There is, of course, the very fact that she was shown my post and decided no, and that is all good, it always was. Because it was a learning. I got a bit of Paul back. The better part, well I hope this is the better part. I feel I am ready to date again, properly, meet someone and actually let it develop over putting my barriers up and pushing them away as I have done the last few ladies. I am even tempted to get a T-Shirt printed with the words 'I am single, now's your chance' on the back. My tongue is only slightly in my cheek with that one, oosh my head is a weird place. I am happy too, I was all through July and as of now, really happy. I am training again (annoyed that the reps have gone down though, FFS, it will come back.) I enjoy a vino at the weekend, and weekends only and in just over four weeks I get on a plane to America. 2025 has been sublime, the sun is still shining and I am in my element, I do need to get back on the bikes, the summer has simply been too busy, which is a poor excuse, there is plenty of the year left though. The Pinkies have a night out coming up and I am seeing my very good southern friends in September, more gigs and theatre trips booked with my bestie gig/theatre lady friend into autumn and winter. Life is good. Really good. Do I really want to ruin it with a relationship...