At lest that is what I am starting to believe. Ooosh, this blog is officially over two years old and scarily, this year (2023), I have written only one post. (Edit, two now as https://www.my11yearplan.com/post/2023-bloody-flew-by is written and out there) Bring out the clichés: 'Where has the year gone?' 'I am sure the years never went as fast when we were young' 'I can't believe it is XX month already'
'Where did the summer go and did we really have one?' 'Soon be Christmas' 'Not even bloody Halloween and shops have Christmas decorations on sale'
'I miss Cadbury Crème Eggs' Is that an age thing my ever faithful reader, or is it learned? In a way, that answers itself, as we learn as we age. News. What have I got to tell you? Well, seeing as I have not written for months, clearly not a huge amount, yet, scanning back through my photos, I have had a bloody good year.
This is not a '2023 in Review' post, but I am brimming with thoughts for that and I have started that post as the 'keys are calling' and it is still so early, albeit the sky is darkening, damn you daylight saving.
(Edit, see above, already published and it is not as juicy as I promised above, sorry). Nope the title needs to be addressed. This blog, as I am sure many do, started with an idea and then, whilst the intention was to stick with a theme, developed and grew, of its own volition, guided by my hand and on occasion my inebriated brain. I have, do, and will continue to use it as a way to understand 'me', I doubt I will learn from it, but it is a start.
Never too old to learn huh 'I don't mix well' Why that title, why did I feel a need to create a blog with that title? Well, because of life, experiences, comments, continued failed relationships, being introspective, clarity of mind, confusion of mind and questioning who you are at times and numerous occurrences of imposter syndrome. Honestly. I initially wrote 'Hating who you are' then changed it, because I don't hate me, but I do question why I am this way. Honestly, with honesty. I am without doubt: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sc5iTNVEOAg
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Sunday 3rd December and I am back at the keyboard.
I am single, again and as mentioned, and for the last two weeks or so have pretty much lived at the bottom of a bottle, I have stopped training, which I had really gotten back into and enjoying and I have let winter and my undiagnosed but recognised SAD consume me. Today is my last day on the booze, until our works do on the 15th, not a huge timescale I know, but I am not liking where I am right now and I need to get a bloody grip.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Saturday 30th December 2023. I have had a sublime afternoon and I also lost my wallet. For Fucks Sake. I have just spent time cancelling cards, working out what was in the wallet, ordering a new wallet, and to be honest, it was easy. I opened Apps, I told them my card was lost and the Apps said OK, we got you. I can control my bank account and online access via the App, so I can still buy food and shit (I am good at that) and there really is little downside. Accept DVLA, that was a bit more contracted, and understandably why. Ugly website though.
So, it has been 27 days since I last decided to write. I made you a promise as well, my ever faithful and dearest reader, that I would stay sober from the 3rd December to the 15th and the works do. Oh, we do kid ourselves and I really made a fool out of myself. We will go there, at some point, but not right now, but lets agree that it fits in to the reason for and subject of this post. Back to this afternoon. Last night I got a random message from a dear friend: 'Can you ice skate?' Well, I am no Torvill or Dean, indeed far from a Cousins, but I have always been OK on the ice, I think, although it may have been many years since I skated, so many that I can't remember when it was.
Long story short (that should be my mantra) less than 24 hours later I find myself strapping on "blades" and wobbling on to an area of ice with a few hundred other people in a city centre.
After a few sketchy circuits, it started coming back and I was feeling confident and getting some good pace up.
I stacked it. Twice. My right leg is going to hate me tomorrow. In my defence, neither were really a result of a lack of skill, which exists with no doubt, but more attempts of trying to stop, when others didn't, or when they got in the way and failing. And then I left my wallet on the train.
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Ok, lets get this finished and posted. I don't mix well. I believe that in general, I actually do, and then there is a point, a switch, a change of mindset, when actually, I don't. Often with no warning.
I can count on more digits than I have fingers and toes, where I didn't mix well and equally where I started off well and it all went...
Pete Tong. It's almost like self-destruction. It is now Saturday 6th January, three minutes to 9pm. I have just witnessed blatant shop lifting, so I called the Police and reported it as it happened, describing individuals and events. I was told it was being downgraded because the person who did the crime was no longer with the merchandise. Oh well, I tried. Tesco have great insurance and leakage polices, so... This is my most convoluted blog post ever, it is a right mass of dates and varying states of sobriety. As of now, I have had a great week, no booze for seven days, I am cooking good food, I am sleeping well and I have had clarity at work and outside of the same. Then today, I have slipped.
I don't do 'New Year, New Me' because I recognise that changing everything you hated about yourself in one sweeping statement isn't going to have longevity, it never does.
I am OK with my slip, I know I won't agree with that tomorrow morning, but that is in the future and not a worry for now.
Did you notice, my ever faithful, (I am keeping that, because I know you exist, the number of you is tiny, and that is OK and I love you) I have written the title of this post, twice as a sub-heading, underlined and everything, yet I have skirted around it, diverted almost.
Why?
I don't know, maybe I don't want to deal with it, maybe I have skirted around and feel I have dealt with it, maybe I am too scared.
It is now the next day after 'the slip'. Ouch. Onwards and upwards, no pity for self infliction, lets crack on. Maybe it is due to me being an only child, yes I have brothers, but we have different mothers and the eldest of my half brothers was born on my fifteenth birthday with the other, one year and one day later, so I have never had the childhood sibling relationship, by the time they were two and one years old respectively I was in the Army. I was a bit of a loner at school, as I allude to in previous posts and was never really in any significant friend groups, mainly on the edges of a few. Maybe I have never really developed the social mixing skills that being more popular or with siblings brings and in equal measure I was always immature mentally growing up, even in my military career. I probably still am to some degree. I do think that I have a very lax approach to consequence and will retrospectively deal with situations I have created over actually preventing them happening, this is not a post to detail those events, but it is safe to say that I have been on the wrong side of the law in my past and jeopardised, and lost, relationships and a job because of my actions. I am sure I have mentioned that before in a previous post and spoke of maybe that being a reason I joined the Armed Forces. It isn't that I don't care, because I really do genuinely care about people, in work I put my team first, which invariably means I climb the ladder in leadership roles, but I don't always develop my own skill set further, outside of gaining experience, which is partly why at 51 years old I am finally applying for my Chartered Surveyor status. My friends are very dear to me also and I care about them deeply. I care about people I don't know as well, I will help anyone who needs it, no questions asked, I have always been that way and I think in part that was instilled in me by my mum. Equally I am very aware that I can hurt people too and at times I have been quite callous, even to the point I don't recognise myself. I can be selfish and I can be bloody stubborn, maybe even to the point of ignorance, and certainly to my own detriment on more than one occasion. As I mentioned earlier, it is like there is a switch in my head that isn't always turned off or flips on without warning. I'll think of something to say, or do and instead of reasoning it through, deciding if it is a good idea or not, I will go ahead and blurt it out or do it. It is often with alcohol coursing through me. They say there is nothing more honest than a child or a drunk. This isn't all of the time, just on occasion, see the SUP incident at Centre Parcs as an example. I wonder if this is why I have so many failed relationships behind me?
I can act without thinking and it ruins it.
In fairness, part of me thinks that I am not really ready yet, even at 51.
I have been single now, with the odd short lived relationship (six months max), for over four years and I may simply be used to it. My dear friend sent me a post on Instagram today and as I am not one for adding images, I will type it out. People who have been single for a long time are the hardest to impress, because they have become so used to being single, independent and self-sufficient that it takes something extraordinary to convince them that they need you in their life.
There may be some truth in that. Anyway, that is enough maudlin typing for now.
In honesty I have been quite self reflective of late, December was heavy on the booze coupled with bad eating habits and I realised that, so stopped, apart from yesterday. Even as I was getting ready I wasn't 100% sure that I wanted to go out, maybe there was some fear of missing out on what was happening in town, which in fairness was not a huge amount aside from the usual Saturday evening activities. I am going to have a good break from the drink now, I am seeing friends at the end of the month and my aim is for that to be the next time I have a drink, back to the gym tomorrow, the fridge is full of good foods, vegetables and fresh chicken, so lets get a grip. No New Year New Me bollox, just getting back to how I normally live. Spring is knocking on our doors and I cannot bloody wait, the 6 Nations starts soon, as does the F1 season, both of which herald the start of the better weather and longer days, also I will get my E-MTB back this week after having some new bling added, so next weekend I can get out on the beast again. Yes, I can hear you, yes I do know my drinking can be bad, yes that is often the cause of my 'outbursts' but not always.
No, I am not excusing, or ignoring, my relationship with alcohol and I there is a post about that in me and I feel it will be written soon.
I have just had my first Cadbury Crème Egg of the year...